People who sleep late call me a morning person because I wake up in the a.m. and can produce English words before drinking coffee. Real morning people look down their nose at me because I’m not up with the sun, jogging in short-shorts while dragging an enormous iron canister of water.
Friends with teaching jobs think I’m a night person because I stay up past eleven thirty a lot of the time. My real night owl friends tease me because I don’t routinely stay up until three or four in the morning watching YouTube videos or eating tacos bought out of some sort of motor vehicle.
Honestly, I do my best work between 10am and 2pm. Then, with the proper regimen of caffeine, naps, and motivation, I can open up a second window of productivity from 7pm until 11pm. After that, the returns on any work I try to do are so diminishing that you should probably not allow me to drive a car or even make the iPod playlist while you drive a car. It’s the same in the early morning. If I’m up before seven, I can’t eat anything, and I am full of inarticulate rage.
A lot of this makes sense. As a comedian, I work nights, which makes getting up in the morning much more difficult. But, because I only recently stopped teaching in the mornings, my body still thinks it has to get up by 8:30 every day. And once I’m up, I’m usually up for good. It doesn’t matter if I’ve slept for seventeen hours and been roused by a team of benevolent squirrels who have made me toast or I’ve slept for three hours and been woken up by a former roommate taking the legs off of my bed with a chainsaw. I’m probably not getting back to sleep. (Possibly I could have picked less jarring, awakeness-inducing examples, but you get the point.)
It follows from there, that my favorite meals are brunch and dessert. Breakfast food is amazing. Cereal? Great! Waffles? They are like little canvases for berries, syrup, or ice cream! Omelets? They’re an elegant solution for someone who wants to eat meat or vegetables for breakfast but doesn’t want to look like a weirdo. Just hide all that stuff in some eggs. It’s totally cool. Omelets are like the pizza of breakfast food. Except that cold pizza is also perfect to eat in the morning. So actually, pizza is the pizza of breakfast food. Pizza can do it all.
Plus, you can sneak some lunch-y things onto the brunch menu. In the mood for a sandwich? How about a monte cristo! It’s like french toast with meat on it. What? Sounds too good to be true? Not at brunch, it’s not! Brunch makes dreams come true! It takes the deliciousness of breakfast and pairs it with the reasonable hour of lunch. Win-win!
And dessert, oh my goodness. What else needs to be said. If you take issue with my referring to it as a meal earlier, please consider our friendship null and void. Pie is my favorite thing in the whole world. It’s versatile. It’s delicious. It’s fun to make. I call it “Pizza of the Night” (Even though pizza is also pizza of the night. Side note: Since I moved to New York, my pizza intake has gone through the roof, and I could not be happier. I also had some great slices at Ian’s in Madison last week.) The only reason I haven’t written something longer and more involved about pie is that I’m afraid I won’t do it justice, and no one will “get” me. That’s real.
So when people ask me whether I’m a morning person or a night person, I tell them: “I can do either, I guess, but I’m more of a brunch/dessert guy.” And then, if that person doesn’t punch me in the face, we’re best friends.