What Children’s Names Mean (About Their Parents)

5 Aug

We give a lot of weight to what a child’s name means about his or her personality.  In reality, though, it says a lot more about his or her parents.  Here’s a handy guide to the significance of several children’s names, specifically in reference to the folks that did the naming.

Cecilia – We’re gamblers!  We like to bank on old lady names coming back into style and the fact that no one will realize we named our baby after a song about a nooner.

Hunter – We only eat free range, organic food.  We couldn’t pick a name, so we went with a color from the LL Bean catalog.

Persephone – It is our firm wish that our beautiful young daughter grow a butt-length pony tail and read by herself forever.

Doug – Hopefully our son will be born thirty-seven years old.

Gus – Our son will be a mechanic or a fat mouse, just like his father.

Virginia or Chastity – We love irony, but we’re willing to wait several years for it to develop.

Chauncey – Mom picked this name.

Amber – We’re ready to fight the uphill battle of keeping our daughter from becoming a stripper.  Or not.  Whatever.  You do what you want, little lady.  Just not under my roof.

Carolyn or Caroline – Your mother and I love to be right.  More than just about anything.  Get ready for a lifetime of correcting people!

Rafael, Donatello, Leonardo, or Michelangelo – Mom loves art!  Dad loves cartoons!

Optimus Prime – We don’t think things through.  First example, we should have been more invested in our choice of birth control.

[Guy’s Name] Jr. (for an oldest child) – You are our first child and we love you!

[Guy’s Name] Jr. (for any other child) – You are our first child that we love!

Legolas – Yes, we met on a fanfic message board.  Yes, we read the Lord of the Rings trilogy once a year.  So?

Moonbeam – We decided to get pregnant/got pregnant at a Phish concert.  Our house has beads where doors should be.

Mickey, Donald, Barney, Alvin, Minnie, or Dora – We care not one ounce for our child’s psychological well-being as evidenced by our setting him or her up for a lifetime of teasing.

Mildred or Bartholomew – We are the worst living humans.

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5 Responses to “What Children’s Names Mean (About Their Parents)”

  1. Kristin August 6, 2011 at 1:19 am #

    you should post the times/location of some of your stand up gigs. i read your blog sometimes and wouldnt mind seeing your stand up, even though i generally despise stand up.

  2. Kristin August 6, 2011 at 1:20 am #

    *to clarify, i meant your nyc stand up gigs

    • gondelman August 7, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

      Oh gosh, thanks! I just got to the city, so I don’t have much booked here yet! I’ll let you know as soon as I lock some stuff down.

      • Double S August 8, 2011 at 2:56 pm #

        I generally hate the thing that it is that you do and would like very much also to come watch you do a thing I hate. Thanks kindly.
        Sincerly,
        You Know My Name

  3. Marc Dunn August 19, 2011 at 10:52 am #

    Orthodox Jews give their kids Hebrew names, Conservative Jews name their kids after people from the Torah and Reform Jews name their kids after western cities or states.
    BTW, I love stand-up comedy but I only really like it if it’s good.

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