We give a lot of weight to what a child’s name means about his or her personality. In reality, though, it says a lot more about his or her parents. Here’s a handy guide to the significance of several children’s names, specifically in reference to the folks that did the naming.
Cecilia – We’re gamblers! We like to bank on old lady names coming back into style and the fact that no one will realize we named our baby after a song about a nooner.
Hunter – We only eat free range, organic food. We couldn’t pick a name, so we went with a color from the LL Bean catalog.
Persephone – It is our firm wish that our beautiful young daughter grow a butt-length pony tail and read by herself forever.
Doug – Hopefully our son will be born thirty-seven years old.
Gus – Our son will be a mechanic or a fat mouse, just like his father.
Virginia or Chastity – We love irony, but we’re willing to wait several years for it to develop.
Chauncey – Mom picked this name.
Amber – We’re ready to fight the uphill battle of keeping our daughter from becoming a stripper. Or not. Whatever. You do what you want, little lady. Just not under my roof.
Carolyn or Caroline – Your mother and I love to be right. More than just about anything. Get ready for a lifetime of correcting people!
Rafael, Donatello, Leonardo, or Michelangelo – Mom loves art! Dad loves cartoons!
Optimus Prime – We don’t think things through. First example, we should have been more invested in our choice of birth control.
[Guy’s Name] Jr. (for an oldest child) – You are our first child and we love you!
[Guy’s Name] Jr. (for any other child) – You are our first child that we love!
Legolas – Yes, we met on a fanfic message board. Yes, we read the Lord of the Rings trilogy once a year. So?
Moonbeam – We decided to get pregnant/got pregnant at a Phish concert. Our house has beads where doors should be.
Mickey, Donald, Barney, Alvin, Minnie, or Dora – We care not one ounce for our child’s psychological well-being as evidenced by our setting him or her up for a lifetime of teasing.
Mildred or Bartholomew – We are the worst living humans.