So guys, I had a birthday a few weeks ago, and I’m feeling a little creaky. I’m 26 now, which is not old, but, like, so many people have done so much by this age. Coolio once rapped: “I’m 23 now, but will I live to see 24? The way things is going, I don’t know.” I have never had a hit rap song like “Gangsta’s Paradise.” Not only that, but I’ve never done anything that made me doubt that I would make it another year. Well, one time I ate free chicken tenders from a gas station convenience store because they’d been sitting out all day and the cashier wouldn’t take money for them. And also I slept on the floor of a hotel room in Deer Lodge, MT with two strangers, one of whom said, and I quote: “If you wake up in the middle of the night and hear screaming, don’t worry. It’s totally cool.”
But by age 26, Kurt Cobain had already changed the face of popular music, married a crazy person, and developed a heroin problem. I am zero for three!
By age 26, Biggie was actually dead. But he lives on through “Hypnotize.” That’s so great. If I died this year (probably in some sort of pastry-related incident), all I’d leave behind would be a couple of YouTube clips and a substantial carbon footprint. I’ve taken a break from eating red meat just to ensure that I survive long enough to write an unpublishable first novel or something.
Anyway, I’ve been doing some stuff to keep myself feeling young. But it’s not whimsical, childlike stuff. It’s mostly just being terrible at being an adult. I think it’s working, though. If you are interested in my tips and tricks to keeping that youthful glow about you by dragging your feet into adulthood.
-Eat pie for breakfast one to three times per week. It’s like a present for your mouth and a middle finger to the rest of your body!
-Wear dress socks at the gym. No one says you can’t!
-Don’t even get mad when someone throws up in your car. It’s like college!
-Be really tired at work. It’s just a job, you know, man!
-Fall asleep on a floor. Instant slumber party!
-Eat all the candy at your grandmother’s house. That’s what it’s there for!
Anyway, you’re welcome and I’m sorry everyone. (That’s my comedy/life catch phrase.) Hope you enjoy the helpful hints. If you have any tips of your own, feel free to leave a comment!