Archive | February, 2011

More Kid Stories, No Problems

16 Feb

Here are some more adorable stories that happened at my school the last couple of weeks…

Letting Herself Go

I was sitting at a table of four-year-old girls who were eating their morning snack.  One girl, out of nowhere says…

Girl 1: Before your are born, you don’t exist.

So I think, that’s fine, she’s pro-choice.  But I should probably use this as a teachable moment as well so I say…

Me: That’s true.  You’re not a person out in the world, but you do grow in your mommy’s belly for a while before you come out.

You know, science.  Then this exchange happens.

Girl 1: And then your mommy gets faaaaat.
Girl 2 (whispering): My mommy is getting fat already.

Now, that girl’s mother is not pregnant.  So she’s just worried that mom has started to let herself go a little bit, which I think is pretty great.


“U” Is For…Wait.  What?

My co-teacher had asked all the kids to draw something that begins with the letter U.  One of the younger boys in the class had made a very deliberate design, but none of the teachers could figure out what it was.

Teacher: Why don’t you tell me about this picture?
Boy (with pride): It’s a uterus!
Teacher: A what?
Boy (with more pride): A uterus!
Teacher: Okay, well, what does a uterus do.
Boy: It’s where a baby grows in a mommy’s belly.
Teacher: Yep.

Glad to know my students are well aware of reproductive health issues at age 4.  Good job, kids!



Forever Young

7 Feb

So guys, I had a birthday a few weeks ago, and I’m feeling a little creaky.  I’m 26 now, which is not old, but, like, so many people have done so much by this age.  Coolio once rapped: “I’m 23 now, but will I live to see 24?  The way things is going, I don’t know.”  I have never had a hit rap song like “Gangsta’s Paradise.”  Not only that, but I’ve never done anything that made me doubt that I would make it another year.  Well, one time I ate free chicken tenders from a gas station convenience store because they’d been sitting out all day and the cashier wouldn’t take money for them.  And also I slept on the floor of a hotel room in Deer Lodge, MT with two strangers, one of whom said, and I quote: “If you wake up in the middle of the night and hear screaming, don’t worry.  It’s totally cool.”

But by age 26, Kurt Cobain had already changed the face of popular music, married a crazy person, and developed a heroin problem.  I am zero for three!

By age 26, Biggie was actually dead.  But he lives on through “Hypnotize.”  That’s so great.  If I died this year (probably in some sort of pastry-related incident), all I’d leave behind would be a couple of YouTube clips and a substantial carbon footprint.  I’ve taken a break from eating red meat just to ensure that I survive long enough to write an unpublishable first novel or something.

Anyway, I’ve been doing some stuff to keep myself feeling young.  But it’s not whimsical, childlike stuff.  It’s mostly just being terrible at being an adult.  I think it’s working, though.  If you are interested in my tips and tricks to keeping that youthful glow about you by dragging your feet into adulthood.

-Eat pie for breakfast one to three times per week.  It’s like a present for your mouth and a middle finger to the rest of your body!

-Wear dress socks at the gym.  No one says you can’t!

-Don’t even get mad when someone throws up in your car.  It’s like college!

-Be really tired at work.  It’s just a job, you know, man!

-Fall asleep on a floor.  Instant slumber party!

-Eat all the candy at your grandmother’s house.  That’s what it’s there for!

Anyway, you’re welcome and I’m sorry everyone.  (That’s my comedy/life catch phrase.)  Hope you enjoy the helpful hints.  If you have any tips of your own, feel free to leave a comment!

Good luck!

Overheard in Preschool

2 Feb

Oh hey there!

I’ve got a snow day today, so before I start my usual snow day activities of baking a pie and shoveling (a pie into my mouth), I thought I’d share some recent cute kid stories.

Favor for a Favor
Yesterday, I was working with the three-year-olds, and I was sitting in a circle with them singing some Spanish songs.  A girl named Alana got up suddenly and shifted to a different spot in the circle.  When I asked her why she had moved, she responded…

“I am sitting next to Mark.  Mark is my favorite boy.  He is my favorite because one time he picked up my hat.”

Cute.  But hopefully she raises her standards a little bit by adulthood.

Yeah, I Get It
I was crouched down to talk about a little girl named Cecilia.  As we were chatting, she noticed that I had written on the palm of my hand.  She asked why I had writing there.

Me: It’s two words, and they’re the names of jokes I want to tell tonight at a show where I’m performing.
Her: What are they called?
Me: One is called “Baseball,” and the other is called “Robot.”
Her: So like…knock knock who’s there baseball and knock knock who’s there robot?  Yeah, I get it.

Uhhh.  She got me, guys.

As we were walking outside to play in the snow, I got to take part in this conversation, wherein I realized that the children I teach trust each other more than they trust me, like they’re in a gang, and I’m a cop.

A boy named Mo approached me with wide eyes and a quaky voice.

Mo: Uhhhh, Josh.  Goblins don’t come out in the cold do they?
Me: No, buddy.  Goblins are just from stories.  You don’t ever have to worry about seeing a goblin in real life.

Immediately, a little girl named Fiona came rushing over.

Fiona: Goblins are real and they’re coming right now!!!



Thanks for reading.  Talk to you soon!