Mission: Unattainable

7 Jan

WHY NOT ME????????????????

So, I’m here in Chattanooga.  Last night was the first show at the Comedy Catch, and it was a lot of fun.  Today I’m going to try to do a lot of writing and maybe visit an aquarium.  That’s a pretty good day.  But I’d rather be going on some sort of adventure.  Like, the kind you see in a movie.  I travel a lot, but generally my hi jinx and capers remain at a pretty low level.  I’d like to take it up a notch.  Here are the top five journeys I would like to undertake:

1. Getting the Band Back Together (a la Blues Brothers)

I love any movie where a down-on-his-luck protagonist has to reassemble a team of folks who used to be his friends but now don’t really hang out so much because of whatever series of events transpired to make him so down-on-his-luck.  Then, once they get back together, hoooo boy!  Madcap adventures out the wazoo.   That’s all I want.  Ever.  A cool twist on this theme is Sexy Beast with Ben Kingsley.  It’s less madcap, but there is a heist and a gang.  So, pretty good deal.  Nowadays they’d probably get the gang back together on Facebook, though, which is stupid.

2. Avenging the Death of a Relative/Loved One (a la True Grit)

There are lots of reasons why I’ve never done this one.  I am not good at murder.  I don’t know how to ride a horse.  All my relatives die of stupid natural causes, never anything cool like bandits or six-fingered men.  My eyes always well up when I hear: “My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father.  Prepare to die.”  Not that I want someone to murder my father.  Just, like, I’m ready for vengeance if the time comes.  You’re welcome, dad.

3. Rescuing a Princess (a la Shrek or The Princess Bride or Super Mario Brothers)

This one is part nostalgia, part chivalry, part wishing I had a practical skill like being a plumber.  There’s so much to like about this adventure.  You get a buddy like a talking donkey or Andre the Giant or Luigi.  You can use your study abroad experience to not die from poison.  People cheer for you at the end.  What’s not to love?  Sure, it’s a little sexist.  But statistically more women get captured and put in towers than men, so that’s just the cold hard reality of the situation.

4. Treasure Hunt (a la Goonies or, to a far lesser extent, City Slickers 2: The Search for Curley’s Gold)

Uhhhh…there’s treasure at the end, dummy.  Everyone likes treasure.  First of all, it’s made of treasure.  Second of all, it lets your buy back your childhood home or do whatever dumb thing Billy Crystal was trying to do with Jon Lovitz and those other guys.  It’s almost like a heist movie where you don’t have to feel bad for hostages or bank tellers.  It’s a win-win-win-win-win.

5. Race to Prove Your Own Innocence (a la The Fugitive)

This adventure can be pretty lonely, but it seems like you learn a lot about yourself.  What kinds of things you are willing to dangle off of or jump over.  I’ve always wanted to meet a guy with one arm or Tommy Lee Jones.  Either one would be cool.

So those are probably my top five kinds of adventures.  I guess if pressed, I would substitute number five for Adventure to an Exotic Locale like space or a jungle or underwater.  Man.  Space, right?  Mostly because I want to know what it’s like to be able to dunk.  Maybe for my birthday next week I will go on an adventure to a trampoline store.  Living the dream, guys.  Living the dream.



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