This year, I had one simple New Year’s Resolution. I promised to treat my body better. That’s it. I left it vague on purpose so I could claim victory for even the most meager accomplishment. But, we’re about 340 days into 2010, and so far I have…
1. Started drinking more. (Sometimes up to two drinks in a night up to two nights in a row.)
2. Upped my baking and subsequent pastry intake.
3. Failed to stop eating burritos after midnight.
But! To counteract all of that, I joined a gymnasium (the Planet of Fitness, as I call it). And it worked out pretty well, despite my well-chronicled aversion to both exertion and endurance. Recently, however, my morning job (preschool), afternoon job (tutoring), and evening job (comedy) have conspired against my exercise schedule. So rather than restructure my schedule to live a healthier lifestyle, I have begun allowing anything mildly strenuous to qualify as exercise. Here is a (woefully incomplete) list of tasks, hobbies, and chores that I have permitted myself to count as fitness.
-Walking to the train.
-Sweeping a two-story staircase.
-Holding a baby.
-Carrying luggage through an airport.
-Rolling luggage through an airport.
-Sneezing several times consecutively.
-Eating an entire frozen pizza.
-Performing fifty minutes of standup comedy.
-Driving for three hours without a break. (Really.)
-Holiday shopping at the mall.
-Holiday shopping on the internet.
-Learning all the words to “I Just Want to Love You” by Jay-Z.
So, as you can see, I’ve been playing pretty fast and loose with my definition of “exercise,” “better,” and “body.” But at least I don’t feel like a failure. And that’s what counts.
(Also I’ll be co-headlining Morty’s Comedy Joint in Indianapolis tonight through Saturday. Please tell all of your Indianapolis friends to come. I’m really funny, as far as they know. www.mortyscomedy.com)