I love to vote. That’s a true fact. I love everything about it. Waiting in line. Giving my address to the proctor. Filling in the ballot. It’s so satisfying. I feel like I’m really getting something accomplished. Not everyone is like me, though. We have a very low voter turnout in this country. So I have come up with a couple of measures to boost turnout and enhance the voting experience for everyone else.
1. Secret Ballot
Sure, you don’t have to tell anyone who you vote for, but what’s the fun in that? Here’s what I propose: You show up to vote. You list your precinct and name and address. Then, the voting administrator hands you a fake mustache and sunglasses. You then have one minute to furtively fill out your ballot and turn it in. If you don’t meet the time requirements, you are pursued by goons who attempt to steal your ballot from you. They don’t hurt you, but they do read your votes out loud and give you a wedgie. Excitement! But Josh, you say. Why would anyone subject themselves to that? Because if you meet the time expectation, you get to be one of the goons the next year! No nepotism here. Just a transparent policy where anyone can be a thug. Boom!
2. The Voting Mechanism
It feels good to fill out a ballot, but wouldn’t it feel better if there were some more satisfying physical act involved. I’m sick of filling in a line with a Sharpie. I need more! Here are some ideas. In certain areas, I hear you pull a lever to vote. Now, when I think lever-pulling, the gold standard is Las Vegas. So with every vote, bells and lights should go off, triple sevens should display on the ballot booth, and a cascade of fake coins should spill onto the floor. You vote. You’re a winner. Clear message.
Or you could do flash paper. Everyone gets two ballots for each option. You light the ballot of the undesirable candidate on fire and then turn in the ballot of the candidate you support. My favorite is you could set up a firing range and shoot a whole through your ballot with a rifle. This idea is imperfect because it gives a clear advantage to republicans and libertarians with militia experience. And I’m striving for fairness.
3. Loser Leaves Town
It takes a committed public servant to run a campaign for city, state, or national office. But it takes a real bad ass to commit one’s self to actually leaving town, state, or country if defeated. This measure I’m proposing is simple. The loser of any election has to leave the territory that they had hoped to govern. The electorate then watches the candidate ride away on a horse. That is mostly symbolic. They only have to go as far as the horizon. They are allowed to come back with a moving van for their possessions and family. Pretty sweet, right?
So anyway. I haven’t eaten breakfast yet, but I pretty much fixed democracy. You’re welcome, America.
ALSO! One super adorable kid story from my job…
A little girl, age 3, comes up to me while I am sitting down and touches my face.
Little Girl: I like your fur.
Me: Oh, thank you.
Little Girl: Do you call it your fur?
Me: I just call it my beard.
Little Girl (thinks then responds): I call it your fur.