Dear Wu Tang Clan,
On December 22nd, you will be visiting Boston, MA and performing at the Wilbur Theater. I will be in attendance at this concert. The tickets are too expensive. And some of your members have the tendency to show up hours late for gigs. Or cancel gigs altogether. And some of the best rappers in your group do not tour with you anymore at all. And Ol’ Dirty Bastard is dead. I will be there.
Which brings me to my next point. You guys have put out some classic jams over the years. My first experience with your music was “Wu Tang Clan Ain’t Nuttin’ Ta F Wit.” I used to listen to it at summer camp with my friends when we were 12 and 13 years old. One person would have to sit next to the boom box at all times and turn the music down at every curse word so our counselors wouldn’t hear them. But since your glory days, your ranks have been somewhat depleted by infighting and mortality. With that in mind, I would like to humbly submit myself as a potential addition to the Wu Army.
Here are several reasons why I would make a suitable candidate for the position:
1. I Know Several Words to Many of Your Songs
This knowledge includes select solo works as well as rarities. I think it actually exceeds the awareness of some of the group’s current and former members.
2. I Enjoy Playing Chess
I have read that this is important to you guys.
3. I Can Bake!
Now, you have a lot of specialists in your ranks. Inspectah Deck is like the Sherlock Holmes of the Wu. Ghostface Killah is the one with the ghost face that does the killing. Method Man, I assume, does some sort of science. Raekwon is the Chef. What kid of Clan has a chef but not someone who can bake? Who loves brownies? Wu loves brownies!
4. I Am Really Good at Rhymes
I’ve never come up with anything as good as “Socrates’ philosophies and hypotheses can’t define how I be dropping these mockeries,” but I did once write a hip hop version of the Three Little Pigs for my school literary magazine that was so impressive that the editor thought I was plagiarizing. So there’s that. Plus, I am pretty good at singing in improv shows, which is like freestyle rapping for mostly white people.
5. I Am a Team Player
Am I going to go off and do a solo album when there is work to be done at Wu Manor? Will I blow off recording sessions to score a Quentin Tarantino movie? Will I go on the run from the law while still collecting welfare? I will not! I am Wu for life. If I had been allowed to own Wu Wear jeans when I was a kid, I would have. If I had any inclination at all to get a Wu Tang tattoo, I would. Wu Tang is here forever! Mother effer!
Thank you for your consideration. You may reach me by commenting on my blog or pointing a bright light with the Wu Eagle towards the sky anywhere near Boston.