Little Old Lady Got Mutilated Late Last Night…

7 Sep

It’s been a long time.  I shouldn’t have left you.  Without a dope blog to step to.  Step to…step to.  (Wikki wikki.)

Here is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately:
People are really scared of the supernatural.  Vampires, werewolves, magic, etc.  Sure, those things are terrifying, but there are so many more natural things to be afraid of.  Car accidents, serial killers, dying alone.  Other than the fact that these mythical entities probably do not exist, there are many reasons to be less afraid of them than their more natural counterparts.

Sure, it sounds terrifying to know a person who turns into a wolf at night during a full moon.  I imagine that must be very traumatic to learn about a friend of yours.  That he’s 1/56th wolf.  But here’s the thing, guys.  There are still regular wolves all over the world.  And they don’t take days off.  Werewolves are only dangerous one night a month, maybe two.  Wolf wolves are killing machines 24/7/365.  And they’ve never done anything good for anyone.  Oh, sure, they’ve raised a child or two.  But people do that by accident every day.  Has a regular teenage wolf ever helped his basketball team win the championship?  I think not.  But a werewolf has.  Case closed.

Much more benevolent than any actual wolf.

There are lots of creepy things about vampires.  They can’t go out during the day.  They can’t see themselves in the mirror.  They suck human blood.  Those are all fairly aberrant behaviors.  But here’s the thing.  They are easily fended off by a. Daytime.  b. Garlic and c. Wooden Stakes.  That means, that with a combination of good sleep habits, Italian food, and gardening, you can keep yourself safe from the vampires.  That sounds pretty easy to me.  I wouldn’t sweat it.

Here’s what I’m more afraid of: The Twilight series of books.  They exist in the world, and they teach young people that women have to remain virginal until they find someone who is eerily fixated on them to the point of obsession and near-murder.  That the highest expression of love is not killing the object of your affection.  And the books are enormously popular.  So there’s a whole generation of people growing up thinking that love is a terrifying and supernatural attraction to a mythical creature.  Not a combination of attraction, affection, compromise, chemistry, and other alliterative word pairings.

Also, I’m more afraid of having my face eaten by a guy on a bus.  That happens!

They call it that, because it's a total eclipse of the brain.

Okay, so zombies are pretty scary.  They bite your head and face, which sounds unpleasant.  You have to defend yourself from them with shotguns and stuff, and I don’t own any of that.  You are safest at a mall, which sounds pretty horrible, to have to hole up in a mall forever.  I was just at the Mall of America recently, which is the mall-iest of all malls, and it would be the worst kind of place to live.  Not regarding amenities, just regarding feeling like a human being.  And by worst, I mean the worst for people not living under a reign of poverty or oppression.

The point is, I can’t really think of a reason to not be afraid of zombies.  Except, it seems like in the present day, many people wouldn’t mind being zombies.   Like, for example, the idea of blindly shuffling through the world and waging an assault on those who are still able to think critically in an effort to further your own senseless agenda should be familiar to any of the disciples of Glen Beck, Bill O’Reilly, and Sarah Palin.  I know that the comparison is trite, but I am curious as to how zombie movies and books can remain so popular when such a huge chunk of our country doesn’t seems to fear zombification.  You’d think people would just cheer and say “Git ‘er done!” and stuff.  But I’m probably wrong about that.  What?  Politics?  Uh oh!  Sorry guys, I’ll shift gears.

What I’m saying is, you all can go ahead and stay afraid of fiction if you want.  But I’m going to continue to be terrified by the economy, genetically engineered soy, and drunk guys in Tapout t-shirts at my shows.



One Response to “Little Old Lady Got Mutilated Late Last Night…”

  1. Mark September 7, 2010 at 2:54 pm #

    I feel the same way about vampires.

    But I want to point out that Zombies are slow and not intelligent so we shouldn’t really fear them.


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