A Halting Screech

20 Aug

So yesterday I got to Atlanta via airplane, which was amazing because I haven’t had a direct flight anywhere in a long time, so it was a relief not to have to get winded running 800 feet to a new gate and then gasp and sweat at the terminal waiting to board a second plane.  I took MARTA (the train, not the former love interest of Michael and Gob Bluth) to Midtown, where my hotel room is (inside of a hotel, not freestanding).

When I got off the train, a middle-aged black gentleman with only teeth on the bottom came up to me and said…”Sir, were you just on that train?”  And I said…”Yes, I was.”  Thinking, at the time, that perhaps I had dropped something or he had a question for me.  But instead, I get…”You look kind of like Screech, don’t you?”  Oh, well, thanks for that, guy.  “Except,” he continued, “Screech is a big tall fella.  And you’re not really a tall guy.”  Perfect.  Adding insult to insult.

Here’s the thing, though.  I don’t look like Screech…anymore.  In high school, the resemblance was borderline uncanny.  (I wish, in retrospect, someone would have advised me to keep my hair short like eleven years ago.)  People called me Screech all the time.  It kept me out of trouble, even, sometimes.  If you don’t believe me, ask to see my old ID sometime.  I always carry it with me in case I inadvertently run into a girl who finds me attractive and I want to blow it, like, right away.  Anyway, other than that, things are wonderful.  I’ve compiled some lists for you guys, so you can get an estimate of what my life is like.  Here goes!

A Partial List of Foods I Have Eaten for Breakfast in My Adult Life

Pie (Strawberry, Canteloupe)
Tater Tots (Leftover, Not Recommended)
Chinese Food
Pop Tarts
Buffalo Chicken Wrap
Freeze Pops
Chicken Caesar Wrap
Corn Chips

A Partial List of Things I Have Said Onstage Recently For Some Reason

“You go out there and show those little girls what a lady is.”
“I am sure that lady is not going to rape me, but I hope that guy doesn’t punch me in the face.”
“Look out!  Bonersaurus on the loose!”
“If that isn’t the mustache calling the kettle black…”
“Guys, let’s all just be sweet, right?  Let’s all enjoy each other.”
“My mouth is a lady.” (In reference to drinking.)

A Complete List of “Road Problems” I’ve Had This Summer

One time I stepped in a puddle of shower-water right after I put on clean socks.  (HERE I GOOOOO.  TURN THE PAAAAAGE.)

A Partial List of Potential Comedy Album Titles For Down the Road

Josh Gondelman: No Fun at All
Josh Gondelman Says the Darndest Things
Bonersaurus On The Loose
Everything’s The Best

Several Songs I Have Been Listening to A Lot A Lot Lately (In Escalating Order of Embarrassingness)

“Maps” (The Yeah Yeah Yeahs)  Because they don’t love you like I love you.
“A Bite Out of My Bed” (The New Pornographers) Because it’s great.
“Talk On Indolence” (The Avett Brothers) Because I’m a little nervous ’bout what you’ll think when you see me in my swimming trunks.
“100% Dundee” (The Roots)  Because change the order, there’s no way that we can rock after them. Now it gets bad…
“You Can Do It” (Ice Cube)   Because I can do anything I put my ass into?  What?
“Poison” (Bell Biv Devoe) Because I never trust a big butt and a smile.  Actually, probably I would.

Anyway, guys.  Life’s so rad.  I’m in Atlanta working with Gary Gulman at the Laughing Skull Lounge all this weekend.  Shows are tonight/tomorrow at 8 and 10:30, and sunday at 7 and 9:30.  The venue is tiny and wonderful, and it’s near and dear to my heart.  Gary is one of my favorite headliners all-time.  OD, who’s hosting the shows, is great.  Come by if you’re in HotlATLanta.  Gah.  I think I did that wrong.  But still come out to a show!

You can do it!

Josh (And also Ice Cube)

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