Right now I am on a bus to New York. It is a double-decker bus, and it is on the highway. It makes me feel like I’m in a British remake of Speed, which I kind of like. It adds an element of excitement and danger to my generally undangerous life. Also, there are seat belts on this bus, but I am not employing mine. Sorry, mom. I’m a badass now.
Buses are funny, because there’s kind of a sweet spot for feeling luxurious when you’re on one. For example, city buses are not luxurious at all. It is hard to feel fancy when you’re commuting while standing up. Like on a crowded train or a Segue (which is expensive, but too dorky to be really opulent). Lying down is obviously the optimal luxury position. It shows that you have an elevated status. Lying down says to anyone in the room: “You better make this interesting, because I could fall asleep at any time.” That’s power. Of course, it could also say: “I’m clinically depressed.” There are context clues. Like what furniture item you are lying on, what time of day it is, and how much pizza sauce is on your face.
On the other end of the spectrum, though, a long bus ride is not fancy at all. Riding a bus cross-country implies that you are on the run from the law or some other thing that you might run from long-term. Not, like, bears. You would have to really be afraid of a bear to want to take a cross-country bus ride to get away from it. Like if you killed its cousin in a gang-related shooting, or if you impregnated its spouse. Both of those, however, are unlikely. Airplanes and trains are both more posh ways of crossing the country. And driving with friends is more fun.
But 2-4 hours is the perfect length of time to take a bus. There is wireless internet, which I like, and I don’t have to drive, which I also enjoy. On Megabus and Bolt Bus I feel like i can nap without the stress of worrying whether someone will murder and start eating me. Remember when that happened on a Greyhound? That was unnerving to people like me, people who can’t afford to take a train.
I’m on my way to New York City to perform at Mish Mosh tonight, a show that happens at 8pm at Birch Coffee on 23rd st. Come and hang out if you’re around. The show is for free and for fun! I have lots of weird new jokes!
For now, I’m just hoping this bus doesn’t dip below 50 mph. Because then it will take forever to get to New York.