Dude Drinks Like a Lady

4 Aug

As an adult male human being, one is not supposed to drink milkshakes all the time.  Firstly, they’re not good for your health.  I know this.  A milkshake is like drinking a pint of ice cream through a straw, which is one step away from imbibing it through an IV drip (which would not be delicious and would make you die).  It’s also not sexy to drink a milkshake if you’re a man.  Don Draper wouldn’t be seen drinking a milkshake.  Jon Hamm probably wouldn’t even be seen drinking a milkshake, and he’s not even a fictional and high-powered advertising executive.  It’s just not a manly look.

So I’ve been trying to drink more booze lately, mostly to cut down on my liquid ice cream intake, but also for the purposes of socializing like an grownup rather than a child who just won a little league game.  But I’m not great at alcohol, mostly for the same reasons I’m not great at soccer…I never played in high school.  So I’m sort of dipping my toes into various alcoholic beverages (not literally, I understand that much).  I have reached some conclusions!

I feel the same about beer, wine, tea, and coffee.  They all sort of taste the same.  Not as each other, that would be a weird failure of taste buds.  But the same as themselves.  I can’t tell the difference between the coffee at Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts, which doesn’t really bode well for my adulthood.  It is also bad that I can still identify the different flavors of Skittles with my eyes closed.  So to me, beer is beer is beer.  I’m just as happy with a Pabst Blue Ribbon as I am with a Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA.  Which makes me a cheap date.  On all those dates I go on where ladies buy me PBR.  Hypothetically the sweet spot for that would be a hardcore hipster/feminist.  But she’s probably suggest going dutch.  (By that I mean each person paying for his/herself, not drinking Heineken).

I can drink shots, but that creates more problems then it solves.  Problem the first, it still doesn’t look dignified.  It’s too college-y.  And, it’s over very quickly, and there’s no record of how much of a reasonable adult human being I had been, except that I’m a little chattier and a lot more prone to demanding to hear “Hypnotize” by Biggie so I can “get into dance mode.”  (My words, exactly.)

So I’ve been dabbling in cocktails.  Which is fine, but sometimes I make the rookie mistake of ordering something that comes in an enormous pink glass like a neon sign that says “I SAW BOTH SEX AND THE CITY MOVIES IN THEATERS, AND I’M NOT MARRIED TO A WOMAN WHO MADE ME DO THAT.”  And that’s mildly embarrassing.  So I’ve been trying to avoid it.

Here’s my method of ordering drinks lately:
I quietly approach a bartender and say, “What can you serve me that makes my mouth think of candy, but make people around me think of chest hair and karate?”  So far I’ve had a Moscow Mule (delicious, and a great name that evokes a temperamental soviet-era spy) and an Old Fashioned (bourbon-heavy, but good, makes me feel like an old man, which is fun).

Ultimately, though, I’m just going to have to let go of pretension and coolness and order things I like, even if they include mojitos or other beverages that make friends and strangers call me gay.  (Which, to be fair, every gay person I know is way better at drinking than I am, so it’s a total misnomer.)  Much like I recently did with the song “You Can Do It” by Ice Cube (as in “you can do it/put your ass into it”), I need to admit what I like and embrace it because it makes me happy.

So, uhhhh, daiquiris anyone?

5 Responses to “Dude Drinks Like a Lady”

  1. Laura August 4, 2010 at 3:05 pm #

    A traditional daquiri you would probably enjoy-its white rum-simple syrup and lime juice-its simple and tasty, not the blended strawberry creation.

  2. Joe Zimmerman August 4, 2010 at 3:14 pm #

    I love mohitos, too! Let’s be gay together! Whoops, I mean…let’s hang out together!

  3. Jesse August 4, 2010 at 3:50 pm #

    I recommend developing a taste for scotch on rocks. You can’t drink it quickly (for it is scotch, thus gauche and expensive to continue to drink quickly ) and it guarantees man-points.

    Also, it’ll totally get you into your Biggie inspired dance mode. You know, if that’s your thing, man.

  4. Emma Willmann August 4, 2010 at 9:40 pm #

    …I quietly approach a bartender and say, “What can you serve me that makes my mouth think of candy, but make people around me think of chest hair and karate?”

    HAHA! Great post Josh.

  5. MaryBeth Makara August 5, 2010 at 3:53 am #

    girl drink drunk by kids in the hall – http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/374f3051ed/kids-in-the-hall-girl-drink-drunk-from-thaffner

    why not just look up ridiculous drinks before going out and asking for that at each bar? Keep a bartenders bible on hand in case the bartender looks at you weird.
    Awesome post.

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