I feel like since I have a forum here where I have a few peoples’ attention, that I should talk about some serious issues. So here goes…
Guys, I seriously love pizza.
A list of all the things I love about pizza would just be a list of pizza’s attributes. I’m sure you already know them:
Cheesiness (delicious), Triangularity (nature’s strongest shape), Shareability (another made-up word). But there’s so much else to love about pizza. Here are some more of those things.
Pizza is the only food where the list of ingredients is: “Whatever!” Just take whatever you’ve got lying around and throw it on top like you’re packing last-minute. Mushrooms? Sure! Chicken? Why not?! Anchovies? What else were you going to do with those anchovies?
Pizza doesn’t discriminate. Pizza embraces all textures and food groups. Bring me your poor, your tired, your huddled toppings, says pizza. A pizza pie is a magical realm where chicken and artichoke and sun-dried tomato and sausage can come together to frolic side-by-side united in the common cause of deliciousness. No one cares whether these foods would ever be found together in nature. All that matters is that they come together on a crust for the common good. It brings a tear to my eye.
While other foods stagnate in their traditional recipes (meatloaf, I’m looking at you), pizza is constantly pushing the boundaries of what it means to be pizza. It is an existential question, at its heart. What is the meaning of pizza? Can you have a pizza without sauce? Can you have a pizza without cheese? What if I put cheese in the crust? Does that push it dangerously towards the brink of calzone? What if it is rectangular instead of round? Is the depth of the dish a factor? At what point does it stop being pizza and start being…I don’t know what, but something else?
Pizza looks deep within itself and never questions its own pizza-ness. There is no struggle or internal conflict. Pizza is at peace (slice? Punned!) with its own nature. Pizza just is.
And the flexibility from this knowledge allows pizza to push forward into the future. What? There’s not enough cheese on there for you? How about extra cheese? Boom.
Pizza adapts to the needs of its constituents like a responsive government. It does not get mired in bureaucracy or red tape. It changes with the times. Even Dominos pizza, which, empirically kind of sucks, changed their ways to appeal to their customers. And their pizza still sucks. But they’re trying, bless their hearts.
Pizza constantly adapts to new topping needs and trends. Even dessert pies, my other favorite thing, do not innovate at the level of pizza. Last year, while walking late at night, I saw a macaroni and cheese pizza. Sure, that is more carbohydrates than my body needs at 1am, but as an American, it is my right to eat macaroni and cheese on top of a pizza slice the size of my own torso.
Can pizza continue to provide cutting edge adjustments to the world’s ever-changing taste? YES PIZZA CAN.
Health and Wellness
Everyone knows that pizza is a great junk food. But pizza also has numerous health benefits. First of all, you can load it up with vegetables and get some nutrition that way. Then it’s not even pizza so much as a hot salad in a bread bowl. With an inch of mozzarella dressing.
The most notable benefits of pizza, however, are mental. Pizza knows what kind of mood you’re in.
Example: It’s 2 in the morning. You have been out all night. Possibly drinking. I am not here to judge. You stop off for a slice of pizza. It reflects the tone of the evening. Kind of greasy/sleazy. Hot, so there’s an element of danger. Spicy, because anything is possible. And you can buy by the slice or the whole pie, depending on the situation.
Then: You get up in the morning and stumble down to the refrigerator. There’s pizza waiting for you, like: “Be cool, man. Everything’s going to be okay.” Pizza is intuitive like an old friend.
Finally, pizza encourages math. You’ve got seven friends over, you know each person is going to eat about three slices (except Bill who eats five and Gina who eats one and a half (one and a half, seriously, Gina? eat the whole thing!)). Eight slices per large pizza is industry standard. How many pizzas do you need? What’s the total cost? Tip? How much time should you allot for delivery? That’s algebra, son. Pizza sharpens you mental acuity in ways that Chinese food can only dream about. No offense to the Chinese people.
In summation, pizza is delicious, and maybe I need to structure my time better.