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Fantasy Breaking Bad!

1 Oct

Here is the setup for the league!
If you are my friend and want in, the cost will be $20.
Fill out the below survey and send it in to fantasybreakingbad@gmail.com before 10/31/12.
Payouts for the league will be decided once all the entries are in.
Of course, you must pick a team name. Leaders will be posted online weekly once the season starts next summer.

Let’s start with the main characters. We know not everyone is going to get out alive. Even Mike, a fiercely careful criminal, fell victim to Hurricane Walt’s Ego. Everything’s on the table. For each main character, answer the following questions:
Does this character live or die? (1pt each)
If this character dies, who or what kills them? (2pts each)
In which episode, 1-8? (1pt each)

A character is ruled to be dead during the episode where s/he chronologically died, and not when they were revealed dead. (Ex: Gale died in the last episode of Season 3, not the first episode of Season 4.)
Main Characters

Walt

Skyler

Hank

Marie

Jesse

Saul

Lydia

Walt Jr.

Holly

Todd

Gomie

Declan

Now the lightning round!
For one point each:

Does anyone ever mention that plane crash again? Y/N

Does Jesse Pinkman, at any point, wear a necktie? Y/N

Does Skyler kiss Walt at any point? Y/N

Will Holly say her first words? Y/N

Does Walt seek more cancer treatment? Y/N

Will we ever see Walt Jr.’s friend Louis onscreen? Y/N

Does Walt ever cook more meth? Y/N

Does Jesse ever cook more meth? Y/N

Does Jesse ever use meth again? Y/N

Does Jesse ever kill a person again? Y/N

Does Hank quit, get fired from, or get demoted at the DEA? Y/N

Does Skyler smoke a cigarette? Y/N

Does Marie steal compulsively at any time in the future? Y/N

Do we ever see the teddy bear eye from the pool or Todd’s pet spider again? Y/N

Does Walt ever get formally charged with any crimes? Y/N

Does the car wash get busted for bogus accounting? Y/N

Do we get to watch Hank punch Walt? Y/N

Does any onscreen action take place in New Hampshire? Y/N

Does Walt’s stupid hat get destroyed? Y/N

Do we ever meet Saul’s vacuum cleaner salesman friend who makes people disappear? Y/N

For one point: Name one character who skips town.
For two points: Where does he/she go?

For two points: In which episode will we next see Walt With Hair?

For two points: In which episode do we discover how Walt acquires his fake identity?

For two points: Is the bulk of Walt’s money…

Donated to charity?

Spent on luxury items?

Seized by the DEA?

Hidden and never recovered?

Spent on business/protection?

Stolen?

Given away on purpose to non-charitable sources?

Bequeathed to Walt’s family somehow as originally intended?

Made off with by Walt in the end?

Other: _____________________

For two points: Name one person who gets killed with Walt’s Big Gun:

Now, here’s a chance to really make things interesting. Make some predictions of your own. Obviously you can’t call any slam-dunks, like Walt Jr. eating scrambled eggs or Hank saying something vaguely racist. Check out this rubric I made:
For Two Points Each Make Seven Predictions Including Any of the Following:

A character who becomes incarcerated.
A character who has not appeared in Season 5 appears alive onscreen (non-flashback).
A non-central character who dies (anyone other than the 12 people listed above).
A character (non DEA) who agrees to act as a witness on behalf of the state.
A character who attempts to blackmail another character.
An existing character whom we have never seen use meth uses meth.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

Finally, and this is a little controversial because it’s so subjective, take three to five sentences and outline how you think the series ends. After the final episode, a panel of three impartial experts will read each answer and award seven points to the best one. (Not every league will be able to drum up non-participating judges, so you may want to leave this part out unless you want to inspire a Hector Salamanca-type vengeance in your friends.)

This game, which runs the whole season, is worth 100 points. Whoever accumulates the highest point total wins the league and gets to wear a stupid hat whenever they want, and for some reason no one ever tells them their hat is stupid. They also hold the official title of The One Who Knocks. Cool, right?

Enjoy! I hope this soothes your Breaking Bad withdrawals as much as it’s helped with mine. Let me know if you decide to play and what your league’s high score is!

As Jesse Pinkman would say: “Yo. Good luck, bitch.”

People Like My CD!

15 Dec

Hey Guys!

Some people posted some nice reviews of my CD. If you are on the fence about getting it, read these reviews, and get your butt away from that fence. To a place where you can buy my album. (Which is here, on the internet.)

From The Comic’s Comic!

From Comedy Reviews!

From examiner.com!

Thanks for the kind words, everyone!

(If you listen to and enjoy my album, please leave some nice feedback on iTunes! It helps my ranking over there!)

Craigslist Casual Encounters I Might Post

15 Dec

This one gets weird, but in a weird way. What? Read it!

m4dignity

(Originally posted at http://www.thoughtcatalog.com)

What Women Really Need

15 Dec

Am I right, ladies?

Awww, yeah.

(Originally posted at http://www.thoughtcatalog.com)

Open Letter to Anyone Planning a Bank Heist

15 Dec

I want to do a bank heist so badly! Read about it here…

We can call it Gondelman’s 11!

(Originally run at http://www.thoughtcatalog.com)

Someday I Will Be People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive

15 Dec

Wait, I need abs?

So Sexy It Hurts!

(Reposted from http://www.thoughtcatalog.com)

Everything’s The Best!

17 Nov

Hey everyone! The CD I recorded in June is available for sale!

You can get it from iTunes or from Rooftop Comedy!

I worked really hard on this album, and I’m very proud of it. I’d appreciate if you gave it a listen! If you enjoy it, please leave a note saying so on the iTunes page if you have a second. If you don’t enjoy it…nevermind!

Thanks so much for your moment. Hope to hear from you all soon!

Hooray!
Josh

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